I May Destroy You - exploring guilt and victim blaming
“I’m here to learn how not to be raped.”
So, I finished I May Destroy You on BBC iPlayer in one sitting (a mixture of quarantine boredom and an inability to turn it off). 12 episodes, roughly 30 minutes each – six hours of perfect television. Michaela Coel’s brilliance as an actor, writer and director is truly undeniable, I will have an issue with anyone who thinks otherwise. For those who haven’t watched it… you need to, mainly because Adele told us to on Instagram and that really is reason enough. For now, though… a summary: I May Destroy You follows an “unconventional” rape story, where the victim of the assault does not remember what happened and therefore goes on a search for answers following a flashback. The entire show explores rape culture in its many horrifying facets, from uncertainty over whether or not an action was sexual assault to questions of why sexual assaults often go unreported. It also explores other themes such as fiercely loyal and unbreakable millennial friendships, sex, drugs (a lot of sex and drugs… parental discretion really is advised), online dating and the difficulty of balancing a demanding work and social life as a young adult.
Essays could be written about this show, we could really dissect each and every scene, for this piece I’ll just focus on one very interesting topic that was touched upon; fault. “I'm here to learn how to not be raped”, says Arabella (the main character and rape victim) at a support group for survivors of sexual assualt. This quote stuck with me, as I’m sure it did with many, because of its relatability. Women feel as though they have to take countless precautions (running home at night, key between knuckles, not getting too drunk, keeping an eye on drinks, walking home with others... I could go on) in order to not be raped or assaulted… as if it is our responsibility to do so.
The rape, whose fault was it? Who should take responsibility? The fact that these questions are even thought about, let alone ever said aloud is inconceivable to me. Women are burdened with the emotional and physical task of having to protect themselves from potential sexual predators at all times, leaving them with a sense of responsibility that is misplaced. We would ask ourselves why we were so careless, and we would be told that we should have known better. Why didn’t Arabella watch her drink more carefully? Why did she drink so much or take so many drugs in the first place?
Victim-blaming is a knee jerk response all too often. We see this play out in I May Destroy You with Kwame (Arabella’s bestfriend)’s experience of sexual assault during a Grindr hook-up. Victim-blaming is even more common when it comes to those on dating apps looking for causal sex - people are accused of “asking for it” or labelled “sluts”, as if it is even remotely anyone else’s is business in the first place. This ludicrous mindset is one constructed by a patriarchal society that normalises rape culture because as we all know, “boys will be boys”. Society’s ingrained tendency to victim-blame leads to deeper personal feelings of shame in the survivor. When we’re constantly being told to take specific precautions to protect ourselves whilst at the same time not seeing men being held accountable for their actions, it is no surprise that the blame often lands inward. This is not only hugely damaging for the individual, but for all the other survivors to come, as the marginalisation deepens each and every time.
Women often blame other women after they experience assault as a defence mechanism. They may feel comforted by the fact that there are rules to follow (as listed above) and therefore they are safe if they follow those rules. They point out that the survivor slipped up on one of these rules, perhaps they got too drunk or they went off by themselves; they of course would never do that so this could never happen to them. It is natural to want to feel comforted like this, but this defence mechanism is a myth that serves only to further uphold harmful patriarchal ideals.
Just to clarify, there is absolutely NOTHING the main character did or did not do that contributed to or justified what happened to her. Nothing. If you take anything away from reading this post, please let it be that. Whose fault was it? His and only his. Who should take responsibility? Him. The fact that survivors of sexual assault have to firstly, go through that deeply traumatic experience and then secondly, contemplate their responsibility for what happened, is heart-breaking. But it happens ALL. THE. TIME. Women are all too often unsafe in their own homes, fully dressed and fully sober, so we need to stop with all the “she shouldn’t have worn that”, “she shouldn’t have been there”, “she shouldn't have had so much to drink” phrases. They have always been inconsequential, condescending and dangerous.
We can learn so much from this show. Women do not need to “learn how to not be raped”, men should learn how to keep their hands (not to mention their mouths and their d*cks) to themselves at ALL times unless they EXPLICITLY hear otherwise.
I May Destroy You covers so many poignant and important subject matters, some of which I will be exploring in Part 2 of this series breakdown. Keep your eyes peeled for more, coming soon!